Good-bye

I don't expect to be updating this blog anymore.

It's been helpful for me to track the changes I've gone through over the last few years, looking into this side of myself and seeing what I like and what I don't like about it.

But, in all this time I still have 0 followers and 0 comments.

My goal was to try and encourage dialog and discussion about cross-dressing, about getting beyond a simple male/female binary when talking about gender, and possibly encourage others to learn to be more true to who they are.

What I've ended up with is a series of snapshots of my life over the last 3 years - which will be helpful to me no doubt - but a nagging frustration that I'm (once again) not "good enough" to spark any kind of useful discussion. And that's self-defeating, so it's time to put it on the back burner.

This Is Getting Very Complicated

As the title says, this is getting very complicated.

Over the last 2 months, Culotte's story has taken another new turn. I decided to venture out into the world and visit one of the local CD-friendly clubs on karaoke night. I did a couple of tunes and it turns out I LOVE it.

However, that means I am now dealing with more multiple characters. I don't particularly want the people I'm meeting to know about my life on cam. So my secret identity now has a secret identity.

The bigger problem with that is that my cam-girl-self is spreading the word about her writing. Which means my out-in-the-world-girl-self really can't do that. Otherwise, the connection becomes too easy to make.

In a way, that really grounds me as a girl. The idea that my character has her own secret life puts me right in the situation of someone trying to navigate good-girl/bad-girl. And the stakes are different. I was going to say they are not as high, but I think they are higher.

My First eBook!

I am so excited! For the last year or so, I've been writing short stories about fantasies inspired by my life as a crossdresser. They involve phone sex, meeting up with cam sex girls, and just the fear and excitement of going out in public.
Well the first one of those is now published!
I went through Smashwords (who are wonderful and helpful people) and used Open Office software, using Save As –> Microsoft Word 97/2000/XP/2003. Thank you to http://publishinginsider.net/smashwords-style-guide-for-libreoffice-openoffice/ for so much help.
The book is about a fantasy of a "girls' night out" with a friend I met online a few years ago.
I hope you give it a try and that you enjoy it. It's not incredibly long, but I will add to it if people tell me they like it.

Here's a link to Leila and Leigh: Girls' Night Out and here's the cover:
:

Professional Makeup

Karaoke continues, partially thanks to a trip to Janet's Closet. Bunny did a professional makeup job on me and I learned a few tricks.
First off, I'm switching from liquid to stick foundation. It works differently than I thought and I like it. She picked a very good color, so I bought a tube.
She also did some very neat tricks with my eye liner and eye shadow. I am going to try and duplicate those tonight when I have some more time.
The thing I didn't do was take very good pictures of the new face. Here's the best of what I did take:

And this is the outfit I wore for my karaoke outing. It was another fun night.

First Try at Karaoke!

I know that I love dancing in my femme persona, but I haven't been out for a while and tonight's karaoke night at one of the local CD-friendly spots, so I'm going to try it.

Still deciding what to wear I'll post a photo later...

Being A Dominant - Meeting the Masters

For most of the months of April and May, I let my dominant side emerge through both Culotte and Nikki, on their respective websites. It's been fascinating and powerful. There really are a large number of men who enjoy being dominated: sissified, told to worship me and willing to hurt themselves for me on cam. I've learned more about edging, CBT, and turning men into strippers and showgirls.

There are some circles of people on the sites who are playing games together. That was a fascinating discovery, and very exciting. I have myself involved with one of them and have successfully been switching from dom to sub with different combinations of players.

What I found after the first few sessions is exactly what I found while domming as a man. There is a tenderness and care that we express toward our subs that comes out very quickly. We are, after all, engaged in something mutual. The SSC rule drives all of my encounters, which is as it should be.

Not surprisingly, my main interest is still humiliation, not pain. It's a little tougher, though. In general, since the submissives are so hungry to obey, it's hard to find things that will humiliate them. Because of that, I have been experimenting more with pain. Squeezing balls. Tying them off, then tying the loose ends of the string around back behind the neck, so they have to walk in an uncomfortable, hunched over, position. Slapping them. Plenty of nipple games. And of course, gagging and spitting. I often have them push fingers (or toys) into their mouths until they gag, then letting the saliva drip down their chin and neck.

What I have noticed, though, is that not a lot of these men are willing to pay. The submissives are mostly "greys" - they show up in the chat window in grey, indicating they have no tokens to spend. And, while it's been fun domming some of them, I am still trying to earn money to buy more toys and clothes.

The question of "why are you doing it?" has come up again, in particular in conversations with Stone. More on that in another post.

Becoming a Domme

My New Year's Resolution is to explore more of my dominant side. Or at least my "top" side.

So many of the men who call or who visit my webcam want the release of being told what to do, of servicing me. It surprised me and it opened up a whole new side of me. I had to reexamine my assumptions about men and women and how things work. It's fun and fascinating.

Of course, it's a self-selecting group. I don't think for a minute that men who come to a cross-dresser on cam can teach me a whole lot about the male/female dynamic, but still, it says something. I think what it says is that guys like pleasing a woman and don't mind being told what to do. The fact that this carries over to a CD is interesting and fascinating. In some ways, I wonder if it's the identification of his body with mine that makes me appealing. In a way, maybe it's like making love to yourself?

I'm not experienced enough to make any real conclusions about any of this, but it's an interesting theory.