My First eBook!

I am so excited! For the last year or so, I've been writing short stories about fantasies inspired by my life as a crossdresser. They involve phone sex, meeting up with cam sex girls, and just the fear and excitement of going out in public.
Well the first one of those is now published!
I went through Smashwords (who are wonderful and helpful people) and used Open Office software, using Save As –> Microsoft Word 97/2000/XP/2003. Thank you to http://publishinginsider.net/smashwords-style-guide-for-libreoffice-openoffice/ for so much help.
The book is about a fantasy of a "girls' night out" with a friend I met online a few years ago.
I hope you give it a try and that you enjoy it. It's not incredibly long, but I will add to it if people tell me they like it.

Here's a link to Leila and Leigh: Girls' Night Out and here's the cover:
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Professional Makeup

Karaoke continues, partially thanks to a trip to Janet's Closet. Bunny did a professional makeup job on me and I learned a few tricks.
First off, I'm switching from liquid to stick foundation. It works differently than I thought and I like it. She picked a very good color, so I bought a tube.
She also did some very neat tricks with my eye liner and eye shadow. I am going to try and duplicate those tonight when I have some more time.
The thing I didn't do was take very good pictures of the new face. Here's the best of what I did take:

And this is the outfit I wore for my karaoke outing. It was another fun night.

First Try at Karaoke!

I know that I love dancing in my femme persona, but I haven't been out for a while and tonight's karaoke night at one of the local CD-friendly spots, so I'm going to try it.

Still deciding what to wear I'll post a photo later...

Being A Dominant - Meeting the Masters

For most of the months of April and May, I let my dominant side emerge through both Culotte and Nikki, on their respective websites. It's been fascinating and powerful. There really are a large number of men who enjoy being dominated: sissified, told to worship me and willing to hurt themselves for me on cam. I've learned more about edging, CBT, and turning men into strippers and showgirls.

There are some circles of people on the sites who are playing games together. That was a fascinating discovery, and very exciting. I have myself involved with one of them and have successfully been switching from dom to sub with different combinations of players.

What I found after the first few sessions is exactly what I found while domming as a man. There is a tenderness and care that we express toward our subs that comes out very quickly. We are, after all, engaged in something mutual. The SSC rule drives all of my encounters, which is as it should be.

Not surprisingly, my main interest is still humiliation, not pain. It's a little tougher, though. In general, since the submissives are so hungry to obey, it's hard to find things that will humiliate them. Because of that, I have been experimenting more with pain. Squeezing balls. Tying them off, then tying the loose ends of the string around back behind the neck, so they have to walk in an uncomfortable, hunched over, position. Slapping them. Plenty of nipple games. And of course, gagging and spitting. I often have them push fingers (or toys) into their mouths until they gag, then letting the saliva drip down their chin and neck.

What I have noticed, though, is that not a lot of these men are willing to pay. The submissives are mostly "greys" - they show up in the chat window in grey, indicating they have no tokens to spend. And, while it's been fun domming some of them, I am still trying to earn money to buy more toys and clothes.

The question of "why are you doing it?" has come up again, in particular in conversations with Stone. More on that in another post.

Becoming a Domme

My New Year's Resolution is to explore more of my dominant side. Or at least my "top" side.

So many of the men who call or who visit my webcam want the release of being told what to do, of servicing me. It surprised me and it opened up a whole new side of me. I had to reexamine my assumptions about men and women and how things work. It's fun and fascinating.

Of course, it's a self-selecting group. I don't think for a minute that men who come to a cross-dresser on cam can teach me a whole lot about the male/female dynamic, but still, it says something. I think what it says is that guys like pleasing a woman and don't mind being told what to do. The fact that this carries over to a CD is interesting and fascinating. In some ways, I wonder if it's the identification of his body with mine that makes me appealing. In a way, maybe it's like making love to yourself?

I'm not experienced enough to make any real conclusions about any of this, but it's an interesting theory.

Dancing with Strangers

I am excited, energized and exhausted.

I just got back to my hotel after 3 hours of dancing at Gigi's in Detroit. It wasn't something I'd expected to do, but I promised myself this Halloween wasn't going to go by without me taking my alter ego out in public.

As it turned out, the schedule at home kept me busy right up until today - the day after Halloween. But, I knew there would be at least a few people still in costume at Gigi's (I was right), so I figured "what the heck?".

I brought two options, I figured I would drive by and see if folks were in costume or not, then go back to the hotel and change.

The first was a sort-of "Seven of Nine" outfit, complete with silver face paint and a black Fedora for flair.

The other was somewhat more traditional: black pantyhose, a high-collar top, sheer skirt and corset.

I drove by at around 11:30p and asked the parking attendant if people were showing up in costume. He said no, so I went back to the hotel and changed into the black skirt outfit. I fussed over the makeup for nearly half an hour, flashing glimpses of it to three different CDs on one of the cam sites. Finally, I was ready to go. I wasn't passable and never will be, but I gave it a pretty good try.

The drive was an education in itself. I sped up and slowed down to avoid driving next to any cars for fear of someone looking over at me.  Red lights were excruciating, inching forward to keep out of the line of sight of the surrounding cars. Luckily, traffic was light and I only had someone beside me twice.

At Gigi's, I did my best to appear casual. The place makes it easy. This is the friendliest bunch of people I have been around in a long time. I met up with Matt, who I know from one of the cam sites. He's friendly and easygoing and it was nice to have someone there that I knew.

Over the next 3 hours, I danced with one guy and three different CDs. It was quite amazing. There was lots of slow moving and grinding and even a little bottom-touching but mostly I enjoyed dancing. It was another step in my education. I was there for a little over three hours and I didn't get a hard-on all night. I think that drove home to me exactly how much I do consider this a performance.

Not that it wasn't sexual at all. It was. Quiet. I loved dancing with the girls, I loved that the guy was stiff and enjoyed the lap dance I gave him, but I really found that what I loved most was the dancing itself. The opportunity to be sexy, to move and be uninhibited, to enjoy the fact that I am incarnate in a body and alive and breathing and healthy.

Now I know why dance is so powerful. Why it scares some people. Why it has survived as a force through all of human history. It's one of the few places where everything comes together - mind, body, spirit, inside and outside, me and other, etc.

I'm worried right not, as I turn in for sleep, that I am going to want to go out and do this every weekend. That would be very, very hard to do. But it would be a lot of fun!





Dancing With Strangers

More About Getting Paid

I am now on a few pay websites. The  experience has been up and down. Some nights, I can be online for 4 or 5 hours and not make a single penny. Other nights, I have to turn down work. I have no real sense of what is making the difference and it's frustrating me.

I have tried different outfits, different makeup, and different approaches. My usual approach is to set the cam across the room and offer a full body shot. My legs are my only really strong asset, so I try to feature those. But, I've noticed many of the cam models focus on head shots, so I tried that too. Not the best for me, I don't think, my nose is much too big for me to ever be sexy. But, I do think I like the closeup shot anyway. It is a different dynamic for a guy coming in. Also - and this is huge - I have had the experience over and over of a guy coming into the channel and asking "can I see your face", then clicking out. It's humiliating and I don't like it. So now, more often than not, I just say "no" and see where it goes.

Another thing about this is that there is no continuity. About half of the sites do not have any email or messaging mechanism, so it's very much like going fishing. I sign on and the guys come and go, peeking into the channel then moving on (most of the time) or starting chats but not wanting to go all the way.

Maybe there is a proliferation of free providers. Maybe the CD community is just not one that is interested in pay-for-play. Maybe it's me. I don't know, but I still enjoy it enough to keep doing it.!