New Stockings, New Shoes

A couple of weeks ago, I went shopping at the thrift store. It's turned out that's been a very good place to find elastic top, thigh-high stockings. I tried these with the new stripper shoes that came in the mail. I like the look...

The Webcam World - Get Paid or Not?

 

As I mentioned a while ago, I've been learning about the world of camming and PSOs. I've experimented with several different haircuts and wig colors as well as a dozen different outfits. I think I've found a look that "works" for me, though of course that's always debatable, isn't it?

After a few weeks, I went ahead and registered to get paid "tips". It led to some interesting discussions, which I'll talk about later, but I figured "why not? I'm here anyway and want to learn."

The first thing I learned is that I think I picked the wrong site. The site I'm on is 95% guys who want everything for free. I realize I'm not in a high-demand category, but I see the same thing in the other channels as well.

The second thing is that it led to some serious discussion with online friends about "why do you want to get paid for this anyway? Aren't you just doing it for fun?"

The answer to that is "yes and no". I became interested in the "working for tips" part of it as a lark but found that I really got into it once I'd registered. I had to learn to be aggressive and say "how about some tokens?" I had to decide how I was going to treat the "regulars" who'd been there since the beginning but had not intention of throwing any money into the kitty.

But, again, why get paid at all? I go back and forth between finding it annoying that guys think they can tell me to do things ("show legs" "show feet" "show ass") for free and thinking, well I'm really here as an exhibitionist, not a "for hire" showgirl.

Some of the guys are downright rude. They feel entitled to whatever they want and make no bones about giving commands. It's eye-opening. Maybe we should require every guy to spend a little time doing this so they can see what's out there.

There are also a lot of really nice guys too - I don't want to overstate things. AND most of them will say "please" when I remind them to be polite.

So, "get paid or not?" I think the problem with coming at it this way is that it's easy to get focused on that. I do think you have to end up making a decision: am I doing this because I enjoy being looked at or am I doing it for the tips? I'm not sure how some of the people I talk to say they can do both. I think it divides my energy too much. Maybe I'm just too new?

So, for now, the answer to "get paid or not?" is "sure".

But, there are always going to be times when I go online just for me - I put it in the caption for the site: "tip if you like, but I'm just here to have fun."

Submission to the Dirty Show - part 3 - rejected

Well, none of my 4 pieces were accepted for the show.

This drives me a little crazy  because I will never know if I came close or if I never stood a chance. I wonder sometimes if it's better to just not know. But not often. I'd like to know how far I am off the mark. Not that I'll change anything or give up or 'try harder', but because I hate not knowing Does that make sense?

Dallas Buyer's Club Reaction

Saw the movie last night. Loved it. Mostly because the "hero" isn't. He's just a guy who got caught up in something. I think that sometimes happens with heroes - they are people who find themselves in a particular place at a particular time but rise up to a challenge and do the right thing. I love seeing movies like that.

There are all sorts of issues and subtexts and things I could talk about but I am sleepy and need to keep it short.

But, I DO recommend the movie to anyone, even side from the gender-bending questions, it's just a damn good movie.

Submission to the Dirty Show - part 2

As the submission deadline gets closer, I'm spending a lot of time looking through the images I've taken over the last few months. They've changed significantly since I started. In the first sets, I wore a full-face mask, then switched down to a MardiGras type mask, then finally to no mask at all. Along with that, I switched through a variety of poses, from trying to look classy to trying to look feminine to trying to look butch and back around again.

I wish I had better equipment and better lighting - the pictures are good but leave a lot to be desired technically. But that's OK, I'm not a professional (yet!) and besides, I'm after a tone, a vibe, a feeling. And I think it comes through in some of them.

I've decided on a set of 4 pieces. This is one of them. It runs about 22 inches wide and 10  inches high. The images loose some quality when they're blown up that large, but I think I like that. It gives the whole thing an "amateur" look that I think I actually find appealing.

Wish me luck!

Submission to the Dirty Show - part 1

Over the last few months, I've really gotten into the visual part of this exploration. The more pictures I took and the more I went back to look at them, the more I realized that there is a very clear iconography - a distinct visual language - that I've inherited and that comes through in these pictures. There are certain poses I just think are sexy. A turn of the head, a man's shirt over lingerie, arms and legs at certain angles.

I realize that my body isn't anything particularly interesting, but I also find that I get good response on the chat sites, so something is working. And I believe it's the poses themselves, more than the person in the poses.

With that in mind, I decided I would try to submit some of my pictures to "The Dirty Show".

That decision raised a million questions for me.

"WHO is submitting the pictures? Do I want to use my real name? Will I have to?"

"Do I tell them the artist and the model are the same person? What impact will that have?"

"Do I want soft or hard core pictures?"

"Should I leave the gender of the models ambiguous? Should I maybe STRESS the ambiguity?"

In the end, I decided that I wanted to make a statement about cross dressing. I decided to cluster the pictures in 3 different categories and assign a persona to each. At first, I wanted the names to be gender-ambiguous: Pat, Chris, Lee, names like that.

But then I thought it would be a stronger statement if I made at least one of them clearly a cross-dressed male. So, I decided on the names "Karl" - clearly male, "Chris"-gender-neutral, and "Leigh" - with the feminine spelling. But, I decided to try my best to leave it ambiguous which model in the picture was which.

On top of that, I wanted to create another persona, more clearly a cross-dresser who was serious about appearing feminine. The name I chose was Leila. (The name has roots and meaning in other projects of mine, but I don't want to write about that here.)

So, I spent weeks sifting through the pictures, deciding on materials and sizes, and finally came up with four submissions. I'll post those to the site soon. For now, I just wanted to write about the origin of the project and the reasons for the names.

More soon, I promise!

First Public Appearance

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and take myself out in public. I chose the safest thing I could find: a Halloween party dedicated to the strange and bizarre: Hellbent IV at the Russell Industial Center in Detroit.

I rented a hotel room near the place and tried on dozens of different outfits, trying to find the right combination of sexy, risqué, and something I would actually wear out in public. It wasn't easy. I had help from some friends who were online. I set up a cam and asked them for suggestions. I ended up with this outfit:

Underneath, the outfit felt sexy. On the outside, it seemed pretty safe.

I drove to the site, put on my too-tight black boots (ouch!) and bravely walked into the place. About half a dozen people made the same trip in the freight elevator to the 3rd (?) floor. One very sexy girl in a tiger sort of outfit with her boyfriend, others in costumes of various complexity. I felt completely exposed and out of place. But that was fun.

The music was body-shaking loud, more of less heavy-metal, but it was fun. There was a bar so I had a glass of white wine, then another. A lot of the people seemed to know each other already, which made sense to me. There is no doubt a crowd who goes to "things like this". It was fun watching them have fun. The sexual content - while visible - seemed low key and relaxed. It reminded me of last year's "Dirty Show". It felt like a bunch of artists getting together to listen to some music and have some fun. What did I expect? I'm no sure.

It was an interesting night for me. I was pretty much ignored, which made me really ask myself "why am I here?" I knew I was stuck between "I want to be noticed" and "I wish I was invisible". So, I did the only practical thing.

I said "to hell with it" and just started dancing.

I found a corner where there was very little traffic. I closed my eyes and just let the music take over. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I just relaxed into it, started moving my feet, my hips, my arms. I got stupid. I twirled and took my sweater off then on then off again, danced slow, danced fast, laughed and just went crazy.

I didn't stay more than an hour or so. On the way out, I had to stop and use the bathroom. I froze. Which one do I use??? I laughed and realized that probably nobody but me cared. I went into the guy's bathroom, took a quick leak, and headed back to my car with a head full of memories and very, very sore feet.