hard to find partners unless you're a woman

Saturday night, my Goddess Tiffany told me that She would be out and unavailable. Her Instructions to me were to go into a number of chat rooms on the Internet and make myself available for cybersex. When finished, i was to send the chat logs to Her.

At a little after 1 a.m., i launched IRC chat and set my nick to one that reflected a bisexual submissive. i got no hits in the first fifteen minutes or so. i wasn't surprised, if i'd learned anything from the last few sessions, it was that there is not a huge audience for experimental bisexual submissives.

i spent the next half hour or so trying on different outfits and taking pictures of myself in different poses. None of them were satisfactory at all, so I deleted them. i am far from "in shape" and the outfits i chose showed more flaw than feature.

i went back to my computer and checked if anyone had PM'ed me. No nibbles. As i had the other night, i checked /whois for the two men who had used me the first night. Neither of them were online either.

i decided i would do a gender switch.

i thought hard about that before doing it. Not because i had any hesitation, but because the nature of what i was trying was this: can i roleplay a cross-dressing submissive? The first sessions seemed to show i could. i decided that, like so much in the cybersex world, this was another case of supply and demand. If nobody wanted what i was offering, i needed to offer something else.

Would i learn the same things about myself, though? i thought about that a little while longer then decided that, tonight, i really didn't care.

i wanted to get off.

so, i thought about it and invented a new persona. i can't reveal it because then i can't use it again, but part of it said "use me hard". Within minutes, i had three, then two more, then two more.

This was not a surprise, but was revealing. Was it the woman's name or the 'use me' attitude that brought the names? As i started chatting with each of them, i realized that only some of them had any interest in BDSM or D/s at all. i whittled the pool down to two so i could maintain at least some consistency.

The first fellow (NM----) chatted politely. His questions were good and i had to improvise a biography on the fly. "My husband is vanilla and asleep. He knows I do this and is OK with it and loves to read the logs the next morning. But he reads them alone. He won't masturbate in front of me." etc.

We were online for about 15 minutes but it didn't lead to much for either of us. He experimented with a few humiliating scenarions, each of which turned me on, but he never followed through. i wonder now if maybe inventing them was enough for him? i wonder if maybe he didn't think of cyber the same way i do. i'm not sure, but we parted friends.

The second chat was a girl in her 30s and her boyfriend. She told me he was there with her. He wanted to do her while she was having cybersex with a woman. i did my best to describe my touching her, kissing, licking, servicing her as best i could. She responded once in a while. i pictured the two of them going at it and shifted gears to being a toy in their evening's play. It felt good to the submissive side of me, but wasn't very arousing.

Toward the end of that chat, several more came up, plus i called back some of the first crowd.

By 2:30 a.m., i had four new ones on the line.

The first one was from Australia, a man and woman who wanted me to phone them to verify i was a woman. They were looking forward to a 3-4 hour session. At that time of night, i wasn't up for that so we parted.

The second one started out strong but by then, i was really craving some harshness. i tried something new. i stood up and put my clothes back on. He said, weakly, no. i turned and walked to the door, waiting for him to get touch. He ordered me back but again, i just said no. He gave up and i left.

That was also a good learning experience. What did i want? i realized i was goading him into being rough, but was that really the kind of message i wanted to send out to men? When S---- slapped me the other night, i liked it, but when he slapped me again afterwards for no apparent reason, it bothered me not to stand up to him. i'd decided i would not make that error again. But here i was goading a man to throw me down to the bed.

i've had conversations with women over the years about 'rough sex'. They like it, but i don't understand it. i understand humiliation, BDSM, and the like, but 'rough sex' is a category i don't get. And here i was asking for it. He didn't take the bait, so the problem went away.

The third fellow started off strong, in fact he sent me a pic of his junk. About ten minutes in, he keyed 'gtg' and vanished. By now, i am not even wondering about what happened or what is happening, i am getting horny and frustrated.

The fourth fellow didn't last much longer. He said 'I want to use you hard!". i typed: "tell me what you mean by hard? tell me your deepest darkest fantasies, the things you would never ask a woman to do." He never replied.

It's now about 3:30 a.m. and i'm hot and bothered and frustrated.

i decide to try one more thing. There's a channel called 'jackinchat' i'd been lurking in. The chat in there is particular interesting to me, guys asking guys if they want to jerk off. i assumed it was a gay channel, but the more i read it, it was guys like me who wanted to just share stories and get off.

i hooked up quickly with a guy who wanted to tell fantasy stories about wives and girlfriends. it was intense and i was finished - sated and satisfied - in less than 10 minutes.

i may have found a new online home.