transgender and cross-dressing

i spent a few days last week imagining what it would be like to be fully committed to this identity rather than playing with it as an experiment. i surfed the web looking at various transgender and cross-dressing sites. i abandoned myself to the project, even to the point of creating a new "look" for myself in my mind. i'll go into that in a separate post.

In at least one of the sites, someone quoted an "old joke" that goes something like this: "what's the difference between a cross-dresser and a transsexual? About 2 years!" On another site, someone posted that "drag queens are typically straight guys playing a role. At the end of the evening, they take off the makeup and go home to their wives or girlfriends."

So, there appears to be a wide range of opinions about this. Which is a great thing, in my mind. Human sexuality is so complex that simple answers just don't seem possible.

i can say that i can remember enjoying the feel of women's clothing as far back as early adolescence. There is something magical about the way they feel, both from the outside and from the inside. From the outside, the smooth, shimmering look and feel of a pair of nylon panties or stockings is the most amazing thing i can imagine. And, from the inside, the tightness is so satisfying -- the constant reminder all day long that those panties or that leotard is there.

i can get a similar thrill from men's sports compression-type underwear, so maybe this isn't cross-dressing at all?

i considered that, but i also realized it goes a little bit deeper. There's something i find enticing about posing, about hiking up a skirt and revealing a leg. i don't go in much for makeup and wigs, though i could imagine it.

The point of this is that i think it puts the lie to the "about 2 years" joke. i've been flirting around with this world (oh! Freudian slip!) for over 30 years and still have no feeling of gender confusion, of being born into the wrong body, or of wanting to go out in public to see if i could 'pass'.

i just like the way these things feel.

(or, as some of you might be thinking: so far...)