Saw the movie last night. Loved it. Mostly because the "hero" isn't. He's just a guy who got caught up in something. I think that sometimes happens with heroes - they are people who find themselves in a particular place at a particular time but rise up to a challenge and do the right thing. I love seeing movies like that.
There are all sorts of issues and subtexts and things I could talk about but I am sleepy and need to keep it short.
But, I DO recommend the movie to anyone, even side from the gender-bending questions, it's just a damn good movie.
Monday, November 25, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Submission to the Dirty Show - part 2
As the submission deadline gets closer, I'm spending a lot of time looking through the images I've taken over the last few months. They've changed significantly since I started. In the first sets, I wore a full-face mask, then switched down to a MardiGras type mask, then finally to no mask at all. Along with that, I switched through a variety of poses, from trying to look classy to trying to look feminine to trying to look butch and back around again.
I wish I had better equipment and better lighting - the pictures are good but leave a lot to be desired technically. But that's OK, I'm not a professional (yet!) and besides, I'm after a tone, a vibe, a feeling. And I think it comes through in some of them.
I've decided on a set of 4 pieces. This is one of them. It runs about 22 inches wide and 10 inches high. The images loose some quality when they're blown up that large, but I think I like that. It gives the whole thing an "amateur" look that I think I actually find appealing.
Wish me luck!
I wish I had better equipment and better lighting - the pictures are good but leave a lot to be desired technically. But that's OK, I'm not a professional (yet!) and besides, I'm after a tone, a vibe, a feeling. And I think it comes through in some of them.
I've decided on a set of 4 pieces. This is one of them. It runs about 22 inches wide and 10 inches high. The images loose some quality when they're blown up that large, but I think I like that. It gives the whole thing an "amateur" look that I think I actually find appealing.
Friday, November 22, 2013
Submission to the Dirty Show - part 1
Over the last few months, I've really gotten into the visual part of this exploration. The more pictures I took and the more I went back to look at them, the more I realized that there is a very clear iconography - a distinct visual language - that I've inherited and that comes through in these pictures. There are certain poses I just think are sexy. A turn of the head, a man's shirt over lingerie, arms and legs at certain angles.
I realize that my body isn't anything particularly interesting, but I also find that I get good response on the chat sites, so something is working. And I believe it's the poses themselves, more than the person in the poses.
With that in mind, I decided I would try to submit some of my pictures to "The Dirty Show".
That decision raised a million questions for me.
"WHO is submitting the pictures? Do I want to use my real name? Will I have to?"
"Do I tell them the artist and the model are the same person? What impact will that have?"
"Do I want soft or hard core pictures?"
"Should I leave the gender of the models ambiguous? Should I maybe STRESS the ambiguity?"
In the end, I decided that I wanted to make a statement about cross dressing. I decided to cluster the pictures in 3 different categories and assign a persona to each. At first, I wanted the names to be gender-ambiguous: Pat, Chris, Lee, names like that.
But then I thought it would be a stronger statement if I made at least one of them clearly a cross-dressed male. So, I decided on the names "Karl" - clearly male, "Chris"-gender-neutral, and "Leigh" - with the feminine spelling. But, I decided to try my best to leave it ambiguous which model in the picture was which.
On top of that, I wanted to create another persona, more clearly a cross-dresser who was serious about appearing feminine. The name I chose was Leila. (The name has roots and meaning in other projects of mine, but I don't want to write about that here.)
So, I spent weeks sifting through the pictures, deciding on materials and sizes, and finally came up with four submissions. I'll post those to the site soon. For now, I just wanted to write about the origin of the project and the reasons for the names.
More soon, I promise!
I realize that my body isn't anything particularly interesting, but I also find that I get good response on the chat sites, so something is working. And I believe it's the poses themselves, more than the person in the poses.
With that in mind, I decided I would try to submit some of my pictures to "The Dirty Show".
That decision raised a million questions for me.
"WHO is submitting the pictures? Do I want to use my real name? Will I have to?"
"Do I tell them the artist and the model are the same person? What impact will that have?"
"Do I want soft or hard core pictures?"
"Should I leave the gender of the models ambiguous? Should I maybe STRESS the ambiguity?"
In the end, I decided that I wanted to make a statement about cross dressing. I decided to cluster the pictures in 3 different categories and assign a persona to each. At first, I wanted the names to be gender-ambiguous: Pat, Chris, Lee, names like that.
But then I thought it would be a stronger statement if I made at least one of them clearly a cross-dressed male. So, I decided on the names "Karl" - clearly male, "Chris"-gender-neutral, and "Leigh" - with the feminine spelling. But, I decided to try my best to leave it ambiguous which model in the picture was which.
On top of that, I wanted to create another persona, more clearly a cross-dresser who was serious about appearing feminine. The name I chose was Leila. (The name has roots and meaning in other projects of mine, but I don't want to write about that here.)
So, I spent weeks sifting through the pictures, deciding on materials and sizes, and finally came up with four submissions. I'll post those to the site soon. For now, I just wanted to write about the origin of the project and the reasons for the names.
More soon, I promise!
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
First Public Appearance
Well, I decided to bite the bullet and take myself out in public. I chose the safest thing I could find: a Halloween party dedicated to the strange and bizarre: Hellbent IV at the Russell Industial Center in Detroit.
I rented a hotel room near the place and tried on dozens of different outfits, trying to find the right combination of sexy, risqué, and something I would actually wear out in public. It wasn't easy. I had help from some friends who were online. I set up a cam and asked them for suggestions. I ended up with this outfit:
Underneath, the outfit felt sexy. On the outside, it seemed pretty safe.
I drove to the site, put on my too-tight black boots (ouch!) and bravely walked into the place. About half a dozen people made the same trip in the freight elevator to the 3rd (?) floor. One very sexy girl in a tiger sort of outfit with her boyfriend, others in costumes of various complexity. I felt completely exposed and out of place. But that was fun.
The music was body-shaking loud, more of less heavy-metal, but it was fun. There was a bar so I had a glass of white wine, then another. A lot of the people seemed to know each other already, which made sense to me. There is no doubt a crowd who goes to "things like this". It was fun watching them have fun. The sexual content - while visible - seemed low key and relaxed. It reminded me of last year's "Dirty Show". It felt like a bunch of artists getting together to listen to some music and have some fun. What did I expect? I'm no sure.
It was an interesting night for me. I was pretty much ignored, which made me really ask myself "why am I here?" I knew I was stuck between "I want to be noticed" and "I wish I was invisible". So, I did the only practical thing.
I said "to hell with it" and just started dancing.
I found a corner where there was very little traffic. I closed my eyes and just let the music take over. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I just relaxed into it, started moving my feet, my hips, my arms. I got stupid. I twirled and took my sweater off then on then off again, danced slow, danced fast, laughed and just went crazy.
I didn't stay more than an hour or so. On the way out, I had to stop and use the bathroom. I froze. Which one do I use??? I laughed and realized that probably nobody but me cared. I went into the guy's bathroom, took a quick leak, and headed back to my car with a head full of memories and very, very sore feet.
I rented a hotel room near the place and tried on dozens of different outfits, trying to find the right combination of sexy, risqué, and something I would actually wear out in public. It wasn't easy. I had help from some friends who were online. I set up a cam and asked them for suggestions. I ended up with this outfit:
Underneath, the outfit felt sexy. On the outside, it seemed pretty safe.
I drove to the site, put on my too-tight black boots (ouch!) and bravely walked into the place. About half a dozen people made the same trip in the freight elevator to the 3rd (?) floor. One very sexy girl in a tiger sort of outfit with her boyfriend, others in costumes of various complexity. I felt completely exposed and out of place. But that was fun.
The music was body-shaking loud, more of less heavy-metal, but it was fun. There was a bar so I had a glass of white wine, then another. A lot of the people seemed to know each other already, which made sense to me. There is no doubt a crowd who goes to "things like this". It was fun watching them have fun. The sexual content - while visible - seemed low key and relaxed. It reminded me of last year's "Dirty Show". It felt like a bunch of artists getting together to listen to some music and have some fun. What did I expect? I'm no sure.
It was an interesting night for me. I was pretty much ignored, which made me really ask myself "why am I here?" I knew I was stuck between "I want to be noticed" and "I wish I was invisible". So, I did the only practical thing.
I said "to hell with it" and just started dancing.
I found a corner where there was very little traffic. I closed my eyes and just let the music take over. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I just relaxed into it, started moving my feet, my hips, my arms. I got stupid. I twirled and took my sweater off then on then off again, danced slow, danced fast, laughed and just went crazy.
I didn't stay more than an hour or so. On the way out, I had to stop and use the bathroom. I froze. Which one do I use??? I laughed and realized that probably nobody but me cared. I went into the guy's bathroom, took a quick leak, and headed back to my car with a head full of memories and very, very sore feet.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Very Tight Corset
Later that same night, about 2 a.m., one of the men who'd seen the earlier show came back again.
He asked, "is that corset as tight as you can make it?" There was something about his directness that appealed to me. That, and I liked the idea of making it tighter. I like the feeling, it's why I wear the thing in the first place.
So, I answered, "no, it isn't."
"Well, you know what to do then, don't you?" he typed.
I looked at the screen for a while, waiting for something more. After a few minutes, it was clear to me that he just assumed that was all it took, that was all the effort he needed to make. And he was right.
I untied the strings and inhaled, tugging at the center, then moving up and down like I'd seen in so many "How to Lace Up Your Own Corset" videos. (YouTube is an amazing resource...) I did that once, then again. It was getting hard to breathe. I remembered what I'd read about women in years past -- about how they'd pass out from lack of oxygen -- and wondered if what I was doing was dangerous. But this was a one-time thing and for just a few hours, so I went ahead with it.
I took a deep breath, then let it all out, tightening as I went. Success! It was even harder to breathe. I did it again, then once more. It didn't feel like I was making any progress, so I stopped and tied the thing off.
The effect was impressive, I actually had an hourglass figure! One odd thing, though, my right side seemed much more affected than my left. I tried moving around inside the corset, but nothing seemed to make a difference.
The overall look was exciting! I wanted to see what it would look under a dress, so I went and go my "little black dress" and pulled it on. I was quite happy with the results.
The look was exactly the kind of wanton, "I'm doing this for you" look I was after. I paraded around in front of the cam for a while, enjoying the attention and snapping stills.
After about 15 minutes, I decided it was time for another shoot. This time, I wanted to go back to the classic "girl in a man's shirt" look. That's always turned me on so I thought it would be a natural project for me.
I announced it to the men on the cam site then took off the black dress. I put on one of my own shirts, one of the ones that's a bit large on me, and struck what I hoped were classic poses. As usual, some worked better than others.
One of the men (not a regular) said that if I really wanted to get noticed, I had to get nasty, be a little more "out there". So, I tried it. I'm not sure if I like the result. The pictures, I think, cross the line established long ago between Playboy and Hustler. But, they were fun to take, they're maybe sexy, and the guys in the cam show liked them.
That was it for that night. I ended up going to bed about 2:30 a.m. I was pretty exhausted most of the next day and didn't get back online for cam for 2 more days.
More on that later.
Red Dress Strip
I'm going back through the photo sessions so I can write about what you missed in October.
Around the 10th of the month, I decided I wanted to try makeup again. So, I spent about half an hour putting it on, wiping it off, putting it on again, until I got somewhere near acceptable. When I did, I went to my little broadcasting room and got dressed up. I decided I'd like to do a striptease, starting fully dressed and stripping down slowly for the cam. I put on dark fleshtone thigh-highs, my favorite white corset, and a knee-length red dress I'd bought a while ago.
I turned on my cam and connected to the cam site and I was ready to go. I waited a while until there were 10 viewers, chatting with the guys who were there, moving around the room slowly, trying to be sexy and keep their interest.
Why wait until there were 10 people (I assume "10 guys") in the room? I think I'm just an attention whore. I like the idea that they stick around to watch.
As soon as the counter hit the magic number, I started dancing around slowly and hiking up my skirt, teasing them a little bit. I snapped pictures every few minutes, hoping to catch at least a few good ones.
I unzipped the dress, then slowly pulled it up over my head. I kept it in my hand while I took off the white lace panties, then "strutted my stuff" the way I'd remembered women in the strip clubs.
People were coming and going in and out of the channel. I realized it was bothering me but I also realized it's probably the nature of the game. I'm learning not to take it personally. This is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm certainly not the most attractive CD on the site.
But, I did appreciate the ones who stayed from beginning to end and I told them so. I was starting to collect a few regulars...
Around the 10th of the month, I decided I wanted to try makeup again. So, I spent about half an hour putting it on, wiping it off, putting it on again, until I got somewhere near acceptable. When I did, I went to my little broadcasting room and got dressed up. I decided I'd like to do a striptease, starting fully dressed and stripping down slowly for the cam. I put on dark fleshtone thigh-highs, my favorite white corset, and a knee-length red dress I'd bought a while ago.
I turned on my cam and connected to the cam site and I was ready to go. I waited a while until there were 10 viewers, chatting with the guys who were there, moving around the room slowly, trying to be sexy and keep their interest.
Why wait until there were 10 people (I assume "10 guys") in the room? I think I'm just an attention whore. I like the idea that they stick around to watch.
As soon as the counter hit the magic number, I started dancing around slowly and hiking up my skirt, teasing them a little bit. I snapped pictures every few minutes, hoping to catch at least a few good ones.
I unzipped the dress, then slowly pulled it up over my head. I kept it in my hand while I took off the white lace panties, then "strutted my stuff" the way I'd remembered women in the strip clubs.
People were coming and going in and out of the channel. I realized it was bothering me but I also realized it's probably the nature of the game. I'm learning not to take it personally. This is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm certainly not the most attractive CD on the site.
But, I did appreciate the ones who stayed from beginning to end and I told them so. I was starting to collect a few regulars...
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
New profile pic
This is the new profile pic. It's a side-by-side of two pics from recent chats. The black corset shot is from last night, the white is from a shoot a few nights before that.
I'm flattered that so many people are finding these arousing.
I'm flattered that so many people are finding these arousing.
Update after over a month!
It's surprising to me that my last blog entry was over a month ago. "They" say time flies when you're having fun and "they" seem to be right. I'm going to do a quick brain dump and hopefully get back to flesh some of these out later.
Something about this really appeals to me. I'm having fun. And it's taking up a lot of my time. Has it become addictive? Is it disrupting my normal day-to-day life? I don't think so. Things are getting done, projects are getting completed, I even did some work around the house I'd been putting off for years.
But, at the same time, I'm not getting as much sleep as I should and that worries me a little bit. I'll keep an eye on it. Promise.
Since my last post, I've done 21 photo shoots. Which means I've been online video chatting just about the same number of times. I find that when I do the chats, I take a lot of pictures of culotte. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them, but I'll worry about that later.
I really enjoy the process of going through them, because I find some that I really like. Maybe I should have been a photographer? Oh well, too late for that now.
Things in the online world are fascinating! During the first few weeks, there were a lot of guys who wanted to see my legs and feet. Now, I seem to be generating more overall appeal. I've been offered phone numbers, Skype IDs, and even "meet for coffee" with someone who's fairly nearby. I can see where this would get addictive, the positive strokes really do feel good.
I continue to be frustrated by trying to do makeup. Most of my sessions are done in masks. My makeup is still far too heavy, I feel like Heath Ledger's Joker. In fact, I've had a couple of people come into the channel and make rude comments about it. Par for the course, I guess. You can't please everyone and I really DO look kind of scary. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it right, but I plan to keep trying.
I want a better camera! I didn't realize that the shots I'm taking with my webcam are 640X480. That's hardly enough detail to work with, if I ever DO want to do something with these pics.
I have a handful of regulars in the channel, which is a good feeling.
AND, I have an update on the young man about whom I posted back on October. He came back and I did another chat session with him. This time, though, he presented it to me as a fantasy, not a reality. So, it leaves me wondering: is he really what he says he is and wants me to think it's a fantasy, or the other way around?
The question's significant. I've been reading blogs and posts from PSOs. One of the primary rules in that world is "don't break the fantasy". So, my approach to this fellow is going to be "you tell me the story and I will enter that world with you." It's probably more of a turn on for him. I hope so anyway.
Something about this really appeals to me. I'm having fun. And it's taking up a lot of my time. Has it become addictive? Is it disrupting my normal day-to-day life? I don't think so. Things are getting done, projects are getting completed, I even did some work around the house I'd been putting off for years.
But, at the same time, I'm not getting as much sleep as I should and that worries me a little bit. I'll keep an eye on it. Promise.
Since my last post, I've done 21 photo shoots. Which means I've been online video chatting just about the same number of times. I find that when I do the chats, I take a lot of pictures of culotte. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them, but I'll worry about that later.
I really enjoy the process of going through them, because I find some that I really like. Maybe I should have been a photographer? Oh well, too late for that now.
Things in the online world are fascinating! During the first few weeks, there were a lot of guys who wanted to see my legs and feet. Now, I seem to be generating more overall appeal. I've been offered phone numbers, Skype IDs, and even "meet for coffee" with someone who's fairly nearby. I can see where this would get addictive, the positive strokes really do feel good.
I continue to be frustrated by trying to do makeup. Most of my sessions are done in masks. My makeup is still far too heavy, I feel like Heath Ledger's Joker. In fact, I've had a couple of people come into the channel and make rude comments about it. Par for the course, I guess. You can't please everyone and I really DO look kind of scary. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it right, but I plan to keep trying.
I want a better camera! I didn't realize that the shots I'm taking with my webcam are 640X480. That's hardly enough detail to work with, if I ever DO want to do something with these pics.
I have a handful of regulars in the channel, which is a good feeling.
AND, I have an update on the young man about whom I posted back on October. He came back and I did another chat session with him. This time, though, he presented it to me as a fantasy, not a reality. So, it leaves me wondering: is he really what he says he is and wants me to think it's a fantasy, or the other way around?
The question's significant. I've been reading blogs and posts from PSOs. One of the primary rules in that world is "don't break the fantasy". So, my approach to this fellow is going to be "you tell me the story and I will enter that world with you." It's probably more of a turn on for him. I hope so anyway.
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