Submission to the Dirty Show - part 3 - rejected

Well, none of my 4 pieces were accepted for the show.

This drives me a little crazy  because I will never know if I came close or if I never stood a chance. I wonder sometimes if it's better to just not know. But not often. I'd like to know how far I am off the mark. Not that I'll change anything or give up or 'try harder', but because I hate not knowing Does that make sense?

Dallas Buyer's Club Reaction

Saw the movie last night. Loved it. Mostly because the "hero" isn't. He's just a guy who got caught up in something. I think that sometimes happens with heroes - they are people who find themselves in a particular place at a particular time but rise up to a challenge and do the right thing. I love seeing movies like that.

There are all sorts of issues and subtexts and things I could talk about but I am sleepy and need to keep it short.

But, I DO recommend the movie to anyone, even side from the gender-bending questions, it's just a damn good movie.

Submission to the Dirty Show - part 2

As the submission deadline gets closer, I'm spending a lot of time looking through the images I've taken over the last few months. They've changed significantly since I started. In the first sets, I wore a full-face mask, then switched down to a MardiGras type mask, then finally to no mask at all. Along with that, I switched through a variety of poses, from trying to look classy to trying to look feminine to trying to look butch and back around again.

I wish I had better equipment and better lighting - the pictures are good but leave a lot to be desired technically. But that's OK, I'm not a professional (yet!) and besides, I'm after a tone, a vibe, a feeling. And I think it comes through in some of them.

I've decided on a set of 4 pieces. This is one of them. It runs about 22 inches wide and 10  inches high. The images loose some quality when they're blown up that large, but I think I like that. It gives the whole thing an "amateur" look that I think I actually find appealing.

Wish me luck!

Submission to the Dirty Show - part 1

Over the last few months, I've really gotten into the visual part of this exploration. The more pictures I took and the more I went back to look at them, the more I realized that there is a very clear iconography - a distinct visual language - that I've inherited and that comes through in these pictures. There are certain poses I just think are sexy. A turn of the head, a man's shirt over lingerie, arms and legs at certain angles.

I realize that my body isn't anything particularly interesting, but I also find that I get good response on the chat sites, so something is working. And I believe it's the poses themselves, more than the person in the poses.

With that in mind, I decided I would try to submit some of my pictures to "The Dirty Show".

That decision raised a million questions for me.

"WHO is submitting the pictures? Do I want to use my real name? Will I have to?"

"Do I tell them the artist and the model are the same person? What impact will that have?"

"Do I want soft or hard core pictures?"

"Should I leave the gender of the models ambiguous? Should I maybe STRESS the ambiguity?"

In the end, I decided that I wanted to make a statement about cross dressing. I decided to cluster the pictures in 3 different categories and assign a persona to each. At first, I wanted the names to be gender-ambiguous: Pat, Chris, Lee, names like that.

But then I thought it would be a stronger statement if I made at least one of them clearly a cross-dressed male. So, I decided on the names "Karl" - clearly male, "Chris"-gender-neutral, and "Leigh" - with the feminine spelling. But, I decided to try my best to leave it ambiguous which model in the picture was which.

On top of that, I wanted to create another persona, more clearly a cross-dresser who was serious about appearing feminine. The name I chose was Leila. (The name has roots and meaning in other projects of mine, but I don't want to write about that here.)

So, I spent weeks sifting through the pictures, deciding on materials and sizes, and finally came up with four submissions. I'll post those to the site soon. For now, I just wanted to write about the origin of the project and the reasons for the names.

More soon, I promise!

First Public Appearance

Well, I decided to bite the bullet and take myself out in public. I chose the safest thing I could find: a Halloween party dedicated to the strange and bizarre: Hellbent IV at the Russell Industial Center in Detroit.

I rented a hotel room near the place and tried on dozens of different outfits, trying to find the right combination of sexy, risqué, and something I would actually wear out in public. It wasn't easy. I had help from some friends who were online. I set up a cam and asked them for suggestions. I ended up with this outfit:

Underneath, the outfit felt sexy. On the outside, it seemed pretty safe.

I drove to the site, put on my too-tight black boots (ouch!) and bravely walked into the place. About half a dozen people made the same trip in the freight elevator to the 3rd (?) floor. One very sexy girl in a tiger sort of outfit with her boyfriend, others in costumes of various complexity. I felt completely exposed and out of place. But that was fun.

The music was body-shaking loud, more of less heavy-metal, but it was fun. There was a bar so I had a glass of white wine, then another. A lot of the people seemed to know each other already, which made sense to me. There is no doubt a crowd who goes to "things like this". It was fun watching them have fun. The sexual content - while visible - seemed low key and relaxed. It reminded me of last year's "Dirty Show". It felt like a bunch of artists getting together to listen to some music and have some fun. What did I expect? I'm no sure.

It was an interesting night for me. I was pretty much ignored, which made me really ask myself "why am I here?" I knew I was stuck between "I want to be noticed" and "I wish I was invisible". So, I did the only practical thing.

I said "to hell with it" and just started dancing.

I found a corner where there was very little traffic. I closed my eyes and just let the music take over. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. I just relaxed into it, started moving my feet, my hips, my arms. I got stupid. I twirled and took my sweater off then on then off again, danced slow, danced fast, laughed and just went crazy.

I didn't stay more than an hour or so. On the way out, I had to stop and use the bathroom. I froze. Which one do I use??? I laughed and realized that probably nobody but me cared. I went into the guy's bathroom, took a quick leak, and headed back to my car with a head full of memories and very, very sore feet.

Very Tight Corset

Later that same night, about 2 a.m., one of the men who'd seen the earlier show came back again.

He asked, "is that corset as tight as you can make it?" There was something about his directness that appealed to me. That, and I liked the idea of making it tighter. I like the feeling, it's why I wear the thing in the first place.

So, I answered, "no, it isn't."

"Well, you know what to do then, don't you?" he typed.

I looked at the screen for a while, waiting for something more. After a few minutes, it was clear to me that he just assumed that was all it took, that was all the effort he needed to make. And he was right.

I untied the strings and inhaled, tugging at the center, then moving up and down like I'd seen in so many "How to Lace Up Your Own Corset" videos. (YouTube is an amazing resource...) I did that once, then again. It was getting hard to breathe. I remembered what I'd read about women in years past -- about how they'd pass out from lack of oxygen -- and wondered if what I was doing was dangerous. But this was a one-time thing and for just a few hours, so I went ahead with it.

I took a deep breath, then let it all out, tightening as I went. Success! It was even harder to breathe. I did it again, then once more. It didn't feel like I was making any progress, so I stopped and tied the thing off.

The effect was impressive, I actually had an hourglass figure! One odd thing, though, my right side seemed much more affected than my left. I tried moving around inside the corset, but nothing seemed to make a difference.

The overall look was exciting! I wanted to see what it would look under a dress, so I went and go my "little black dress" and pulled it on. I was quite happy with the results.

The look was exactly the kind of wanton, "I'm doing this for you" look I was after. I paraded around in front of the cam for a while, enjoying the attention and snapping stills.

After about 15 minutes, I decided it was time for another shoot. This time, I wanted to go back to the classic "girl in a man's shirt" look. That's always turned me on so I thought it would be a natural project for me.

I announced it to the men on the cam site then took off the black dress. I put on one of my own shirts, one of the ones that's a bit large on me, and struck what I hoped were classic poses. As usual, some worked better than others.

One of the men (not a regular) said that if I really wanted to get noticed, I had to get nasty, be a little more "out there". So, I tried it. I'm not sure if I like the result. The pictures, I think, cross the line established long ago between Playboy and Hustler. But, they were fun to take, they're maybe sexy, and the guys in the cam show liked them.

That was it for that night. I ended up going to bed about 2:30 a.m. I was pretty exhausted most of the next day and didn't get back online for cam for 2 more days.

More on that later.

Red Dress Strip

I'm going back through the photo sessions so I can write about what you missed in October.

Around the 10th of the month, I decided I wanted to try makeup again. So, I spent about half an hour putting it on, wiping it off, putting it on again, until I got somewhere near acceptable. When I did, I went to my little broadcasting room and got dressed up. I decided I'd like to do a striptease, starting fully dressed and stripping down slowly for the cam. I put on dark fleshtone thigh-highs, my favorite white corset, and a knee-length red dress I'd bought a while ago.

I turned on my cam and connected to the cam site and I was ready to go. I waited a while until there were 10 viewers, chatting with the guys who were there, moving around the room slowly, trying to be sexy and keep their interest.

Why wait until there were 10 people (I assume "10 guys") in the room? I think I'm just an attention whore. I like the idea that they stick around to watch.

As soon as the counter hit the magic number, I started dancing around slowly and hiking up my skirt, teasing them a little bit. I snapped pictures every few minutes, hoping to catch at least a few good ones.

I unzipped the dress, then slowly pulled it up over my head. I kept it in my hand while I took off the white lace panties, then "strutted my stuff" the way I'd remembered women in the strip clubs.

People were coming and going in and out of the channel. I realized it was bothering me but I also realized it's probably the nature of the game. I'm learning not to take it personally. This is certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I'm certainly not the most attractive CD on the site.

But, I did appreciate the ones who stayed from beginning to end and I told them so. I was starting to collect a few regulars...

New profile pic

This is the new profile pic. It's a side-by-side of two pics from recent chats. The black corset shot is from last night, the white is from a shoot a few nights before that.

I'm flattered that so many people are finding these arousing.

Update after over a month!

It's surprising to me that my last blog entry was over a month ago. "They" say time flies when you're having fun and "they" seem to be right. I'm going to do a quick brain dump and hopefully get back to flesh some of these out later.

Something about this really appeals to me. I'm having fun. And it's taking up a lot of my time. Has it become addictive? Is it disrupting my normal day-to-day life? I don't think so. Things are getting done, projects are getting completed, I even did some work around the house I'd been putting off for years.

But, at the same time, I'm not getting as much sleep as I should and that worries me a little bit. I'll keep an eye on it. Promise.

Since my last post, I've done 21 photo shoots. Which means I've been online video chatting just about the same number of times. I find that when I do the chats, I take a lot of pictures of culotte. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with them, but I'll worry about that later.

I really enjoy the process of going through them, because I find some that I really like. Maybe I should have been a photographer? Oh well, too late for that now.

Things in the online world are fascinating! During the first few weeks, there were a lot of guys who wanted to see my legs and feet. Now, I seem to be generating more overall appeal. I've been offered phone numbers, Skype IDs, and even "meet for coffee" with someone who's fairly nearby. I can see where this would get addictive, the positive strokes really do feel good.

I continue to be frustrated by trying to do makeup. Most of my sessions are done in masks. My makeup is still far too heavy, I feel like Heath Ledger's Joker. In fact, I've had a couple of people come into the channel and make rude comments about it. Par for the course, I guess. You can't please everyone and I really DO look kind of scary. I'm not sure if I'll ever get it right, but I plan to keep trying.

I want a better camera! I didn't realize that the shots I'm taking with my webcam are 640X480. That's hardly enough detail to work with, if I ever DO want to do something with these pics.

I have a handful of regulars in the channel, which is a good feeling.

AND, I have an update on the young man about whom I posted back on October. He came back and I did another chat session with him. This time, though, he presented it to me as a fantasy, not a reality. So, it leaves me wondering: is he really what he says he is and wants me to think it's a fantasy, or the other way around?

The question's significant. I've been reading blogs and posts from PSOs. One of the primary rules in that world is "don't break the fantasy". So, my approach to this fellow is going to be "you tell me the story and I will enter that world with you." It's probably more of a turn on for him. I hope so anyway.

An Uncomfortable Virgin: "a Cross Dresser will not judge me..."

I had an interesting encounter a few nights ago.

About an hour and a half into a chaturbate session, a young man asked me to go PM with him. Normally, I don't do that. Being an exhibitionist (at least when in character), I just tell them "I would rather do whatever you want to do right here in front of everyone." Most men go for that and we play right in my broadcast channel.

This young man, however, insisted. He was very polite about it, so I went ahead and went into PM with him. Now, I'm not positive how chaturbate works, but I'm guessing my video was still available for everyone but my text chat was just in the PM tab. I'm not sure and I don't really care.

He brought up his cam and I watched him as he rubbed lotion on his cock and masturbated himself. He was being complimentary, telling me I turned him on, and how pretty and sexy I was. It felt good. As he went on, he mentioned that he didn't like gay men or cross dressers and he was glad I was a woman. I paused for a moment, wondering whether to tell him or not.

How did he not know? I was in the Transsexual area, which is the closest they have to a CD/TV area. I made no bones about it when someone asked, but he hadn't.

After a few minutes, I typed "well, I guess you have a decision to make. You are chatting with a guy." He typed back "I know."

That made me pause. So what was the earlier comment all about?

We kept on until he came, then he started chatting. He's in his early 20's and a virgin. He seemed embarrassed about it. He expressed some insecurity about his looks and personality. This really bothers me. I hate how we live in a world where people feel like this. This whole focus on looks and hotness and all of that is destructive, especially to insecure people. While I think it's fun to get done up (a tux and shined shoes or a skirt and heels), and try to look your best (groomed and polished and all), it shouldn't be something to compare ourselves to.

AND he wasn't a bad looking guy at all. He needed to smile more and show a little confidence, sure, but he was a good looking kid. It made me think about myself at his age. I felt the same thing. I focused on music and let that be the side of me that attracted people, because I KNEW I was pretty yucky looking. I look at photos of my younger self and I was no better or worse looking than the average guy, but I didn't feel that way.

It made me feel very protective of the guy, so I tried to talk him up. He dropped another interested comment a few minutes later. Evidently, he'd known I was a man all along but decided to go ahead because he was very shy about being a virgin but knew that he "wouldn't be judged by a cross dresser."

It would have been very easy to take offense at that, but I didn't. Maybe that's something he needed to do, maybe I offered him something helpful. Maybe it will make a difference in the long run.

Or maybe he just got off and went back to his old life.

Even if that's all I did for him, it's something...

Pics from chat sessions

It's been about 2 weeks since I posted. Since then, I've been on the chaturbate site about half a dozen times. Each session lasted for more than 3 hours, with men coming in and out of the room, keeping me curious and involved. I've started taking snapshots during the sessions and wanted to share some of them here.

I'm usually masked. Putting on the full face makeup takes a lot of time and I'm too anxious to get online. Plus, I'm not particularly pretty when made up anyway, so I think it's just not worth the time.

I bought two more wigs. With Halloween right around the corner, its easier to find wigs, makeup, and costume pieces. Both are long hair, one blond-ish, one black. They added a new feel to some of the sessions. For me at least.

The first two are from the same shoot, just feeling sexy and girl-ish.

The next time I was online, I decided to try a little more submission. I chose my black corset rather than white so the little bit of rope I was using would stand out more. I was wearing a full-body fishnet stocking underneath. I love the look.

I went offline at about 3 a.m. and tried to go to bed. But I couldn't sleep. I was very turned on and needed some relief. So, I went back online for a little while. This time, I went for a more feminine, soft look. I took a red skirt and used it as a full dress. I walked around my shooting area for a long time, trying this and that post, trying to really get into the feeling of the girl. She really did turn into quite the wanton little thing.

It was an exhausting night and I got to bed too late. I was in a bit of a fog most of the next day and caught up on sleep the next night.

My observation from that night is that the difference in hair color seems pretty significant to me - blonde versus black hair. I want to write a bit more about that, but the thoughts are only half-baked right now.

Makeup, chaturbate, and temporary Doms

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Second Live Video Broadcast - the Harem Girl

I've been dropping into the ImageFAP chats a lot lately. There's a supportive community of guys who like to roleplay and a lot of opportunities to switch and play top or bottom in power games.

I generally find that I'm not so much sexually aroused as just enjoying being "in the moment" and playing whichever role I've chosen. It's fascinating to me that I rarely get aroused to the point of orgasm. I get a much bigger kick out of having my partner get off. (This has been a life-long part of my sexuality and would probably take a lot of therapy to unravel, so I just live with it. It doesn't really seem like that big a problem to me.)

I had a little free time today and some "tasks" to do for an online dom I agreed to play with. I wasn't sure I would be able to get to them in the time I had available, so I played around with some costumes. The costume evidently turned out have a "harem" look to it (more on that below). I got excited about the visual and went into the T-Room channel and launched my cam.

I had a decent sized and appreciative audience and had a really great time, both doing it and reading their responses in the chat. They are a very generous and positive group.

Here's a still I did before I went live on cam. I put it against a faux backdrop to try and capture a little bit of the "harem" feeling so many of the guys mentioned.

ImageFAP Harem Girl - I Create Controversy Within My Own Head

I had a fun experience today and wanted to blog it.

The whole "remaining anonymous" thing takes a lot of work. Pictures taken from the shoulder down just bother me and pixelated faces seem like a last resort. I sometimes do use blur, just to make it easy. My preference is makeup, heavy makeup, even Kabuki or alien style! But -- for a variety of reasons -- I'm not up to or able to put on makeup every time I do a shoot.

So, today I decided I'd do a "masked and veiled face" approach. I used a thong for my face and (of all things!) a t-shirt over my head. This was the result:

I was satisfied. It kept me pretty anonymous while providing a not-too-bad visual experience.

So I thought.

Turns out it was more than "not-too-bad". I launched my cam to do a little visual show and people started clicking in. There were a total of 9 in all, tho of course you don't know when they leave, only when they connect.

Of the 9, about 4 commented on how hot the "harem" look was.

I was taken a little aback. I can't say I was oblivious to the connection, I'd made it myself, but it didn't occur to me that anyone else would. My head started spinning. Why? Because I was wrestling with whether or not this felt racist and culturally offensive.

Yes, I know, I know. There's already so much about what I'm doing here that people could find offensive, why was this one different? All I can say is that it is.

I think every culture struggles (whether they admit it or now) with the question of the boundaries of human sexuality. Some try to repress it and not deal with it ("woman is the root of all evil, so keep them barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen"), others indulge in sexual license (that part of American culture), some try to embrace a more nuanced approach, or even make it something positive (eros, tantra).  The lines are always shifting and the final word isn't in. 

Being racist or culturally offensive isn't a shifting line, it's just wrong. There isn't going to be a point in history where we realize, "well, it was OK to insult that culture!"

Anyhow, I've let go of it. It's the projection of their fantasies, not something I'm actively trying to pursue or implant.

Dom, Sub, or Switch?

The last several weeks have been a mish-mash of bizarre behaviors and valuable learnings. A while ago, I established a presence on the ImageFAP website, mainly as a CD submissive. I've written before about how difficult is it for a CD submissive to find tops, and how often I simply switch to a female nick in one of the IRC channels.

ImageFAP is different.

It's not nearly so difficult to find someone who wants to roleplay with me as a cross-dressed submissive. But, two interesting things have come along with that. The first I call "gender bait and switch" and the second I call "reciprocal domming".

Gender Bait and Switch

What I mean by "gender bait and switch" is this: an unintentional gender confusion that puts me in the uncomfortable position of deciding whether or not to reveal myself. I've had a lot of men come into channel and start playing, having a great time, and getting very excited. But at some point, they'll say or do something that makes it clear they think I'm a girl. It might be obvious ("let me lick your pussy") or not ("I wish I was there cuddled next to you, running my fingers through your hair") but it's pretty clear to me that they think they're with a woman.

Which is really interesting to me (in terms of human sexuality) is this: the person is obviously having a good time but once I reveal that I'm a man, they bail, often without even saying "goodbye".

Why?

Sex is all in the head, we men masturbate all the time (is auto-erotic comparable to homo-erotic in any way?), the roleplay was going great (taking my partner's responses at face value) yet, now it becomes a problem for them.

I still haven't done my homework on queer theory, but I talked with someone at a conference who seemed to understand it. She said that queer theory states that there are sexual acts in which the sex and gender of the partners don't matter. BDSM was her prime example. That's about power, not sex and not gender.

I wonder whether or not cyber-head is the same thing? Does it really matter who is on the other end of the connection typing those words?

Evidently to some men it does.

Reciprocal Domming

The second is a little more straightforward and a little less puzzling.

I've found that it was very easy for me to switch roles from sub to dom at the drop of a hat. That made sense for me - I write almost exclusively as a dominant and most of my fantasies for most of my life have been there. But, this was something different. I came into the chats dedicated to exploring this submissive personality. But, when I saw the preponderance of submissive men, I figured my odds were better as a top than a bottom. 

So, I'd switch.

After the scene, I would often stay around and chat with my partner. And, in more cases than not, one of us would mention switching and the other would say "oh yeah, of course".

That has me wondering now whether there's something built into the CD/TV world that makes it easier to walk this edge and make this switch?

Now, if someone's already figured this out and written about it, more power to them.  I'm not trying to do any "truly original" work here, I'm just making observations about my own experience.

And besides, if someone's already written about this, at least I can say: "see?! I knew I was on to something!"

Another set of captioned pics

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First Live Video Broadcast

I crossed another boundary tonight. I was on the road and had a room to myself, so I decided I'd do another photo shoot. I'd bought a new red/black wig and decided to try some "tribal" face makeup instead of the full face mask from the last few shoots.

About an hour into the shoot, I got brave and decided it would be fun to go online and do a live broadcast. The makeup seemed to do an adequate job of hiding my face and I kind of liked the visuals I was getting. (Being shaved really makes a difference in how the photos come out. I guess that should have been obvious.)

I went online to the ImageFAP website and clicked into the chat rooms. The most obvious rooms for me were the T-Room, the Gay Room and the Fetish Room. I went into the T-Room but I couldn't figure out whether I was not broadcasting or nobody was interested. I changed to the Gay Room and pretty quickly, someone picked up on the video broadcast. He was helpful with a couple of technical questions I had and before long, there were a couple of other people watching.

This was quite a turn on for me. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, I seem to "exhibitionist" in my list of kinks. I couldn't tell how many were watching at one time, which was a turn-on in itself. Every now and then, someone would post a little compliment or something like "wish I was there". Empowering and gratifying.

I did some walking back and forth, a little Liza Minnelli chair post, playing with my nipples. The thing that got the most comments, though, was my chest. Shaving my body really paid off. So did learning how to twist and turn so I could appear to have at least a little bit up top!

I'm anxious to do it again, though I'm not sure how and when I can arrange it.

Thanks to the guys in channel for the support.

hair is growing back

On another, less funny, note: hair has begun to show up everywhere. Prickly little things all over my belly and thighs. Black ones down the middle of my chest and in patches on my legs. Now, I really have to decide how committed I am to this...

errand list for today

my errand list hit me as funny, so I thought I'd post it:

• pay bills
• go to the bank
• pick up chocolate syrup
• buy nipple suction devices
• finish packing for the weekend

Hope you got a chuckle out of that.

enjoying the shave

The next morning, I decided I wanted to really inhabit this new shaved-bare body. So, I looked through my drawers to find something sexy to wear underneath my street clothes for the day. I knew it was going to be hot, so I needed something light.

I ended up choosing a wife-beater and a light cotton thong. I put them on and submitted front and rear shots to Addie.

I'm not particularly proud of my backside, but I thought I should send both views just to be complete.

one last pic from Friday night

I didn't find anywhere in the last few posts to put this picture, but I liked it a lot so I wanted to send it along. I like the lighting and the pose.

how Friday went (5 of 5) - girls pleasuring girls

As Addie and I chatted casually, I realized I was getting more and more anxious. I knew why too. We'd joked about it before, about some night when she would let me dress up and we would have a girl-girl experience. And we both knew that tonigh was the night.

There was a lull in the chat and Addie posted a single word. "Ready?"

I felt a shiver go down my spine. Eagerness. I typed, "yes".

She told me that she wanted me to pick the sexiest outfit I'd bought that day. The one I would wear if she took me out to a club or even a bar to meet someone. To try to pick up a man.

I paused for just a second. I had no intention of doing anything like that and she knew it. I typed, "we're not going out are we?"

She answered "laughing - of course not! This is for you and me, dear."

I typed "BRB" and went to the closet. I knew right away which outfit I wanted. Even though I loved looking at women in those pleated skirts, I knew that the one piece red dress would look better on me. I'd also bought a black sweater to wear over it. The weather didn't call for it (just the opposite!) but I loved the look.

I took off the corset and replaced it with my padded bra but kept the black panties. I put on a sheer pair of thigh-highs, then the outfit. I finished it off with my blonde wig and a new half-mask I'd made.

I took a few pictures and sent them to Addie.

I'd even brought a bottle of wine for us to "share". I offered her a picture of me holding the wine bottle.

We ended up playing for quite a while, using fingers and tongues to pleasure each other. I would love to go into details, but Addie has sworn me to secrecy.

For now, at least.

how Friday went (4 of 5) - nipple play

Back in my room, I stripped out of my street clothes and the cami and taps. I looked through the things I'd bought today and chose a too-small Victoria's Secret corset and black panties with lace around the waistband. I added a ruby-red necklace and settled down to play with the little suction bottles.

It wasn't too difficult to get them on. I took them off and on several time until I got the most suction I could. I still couldn't get my whole nipple through the mouth of the bottle, but I came close.

I let them on while I surfed, replied to some email, and waited for Addie to come back online. In all, there were on and off for over 45 minutes. Every ten minutes or so, I took them off and reattached them, trying to get a little more nipple into the bottles each time.

When Addie showed up, she complimented me on my enthusiasm and commitment. Then, she asked me to send her pictures of each nipple so she could see whether or not the suction had any effect.

I took the pictures and sent them to her right off.

Addie asked me if I wanted to try something new, something an old boyfriend had done with her. I loved the idea, me doing girl things that a boy had asked for!

She told me to try rubber banding my nipples. I took off the left bottle and stretched the nipple as far as I could, then twisted a rubber band around it four twists. I did the same on the right and was amazed at the look and feel.

We chatted online for a while, me looking down every now and then to see my nipples, bulging and swollen.

At some point a little while later, my upper arm brushed against my left nipple. I noticed it felt cold. And, there was a bead of liquid glistening at the top! It was a little scary, but, given what I'd put it through, I'm not too worried. If I see it again, I'll have it looked at.

how Friday went (3 of 5) - poetry reading

The next part of my evening was a local poetry reading. It was an author I'd heard of but never read. I found some of his things online and found them very good, fascinating but still accessible. I got to the bookstore at ten after nine. They'd not started yet, he was going to be late. I wandered around the bookstore, thumbing through pages of art and photography books, looking at the poses and wondering if I could recreate some of them when I got back to the hotel. Given that I am working with the 3-second delay bult into my laptop, my options are limited. And, I'm using room lighting and no props. Still, some of the idea seemed workable. I realized as I looked at the books that nearly all of the shots I'd taken so far were mostly standing, me directly facing the camera. Not very interesting compositions at all. I went back to the room at 9:20. There were only four people there and the manager was still stalling. I wondered if she was waiting for more customers or if the author was late or if it was something else. At 9:35, I decided I'd spent enough time there. I was anxious to get back to the hotel room and try some new poses. So I left. On the way home, I stopped at a local pharmacy. Another CD had told me he used small pump bottles as suction cups to elongate his nipples. I loved the idea, so I searched through the travel items for those small pump bottles that cost around $2. I took the screw top off one of them and tried it on my arm. It sucked the flesh in nearly half an inch and I nodded. These were what I wanted. I bought the pair of them and headed back to the hotel.

how Friday went (2 of 5) - full body shave and fashion show

I'd been thinking about this shave for weeks.

The first big question, of course, was "do I really want to do this?" For a lot of reasons. The guys at the gym. The folks at home. Would I really feel any different? How difficult would it be?

I'd asked a few folks about it (thank you LUSH Stories friends), I'd read up on how to do it (first use a trimmer to take it down, then a razor. And use gel, not foam.), and I'd bought moisturizer, which several people told me I would be glad I'd done.

I expressed my hesitation to Addie. She reassured me that it was my decision, nobody was pressuring me, nobody knew about it but us. I agreed.

I told her I was going to go for it. She said she'd be online when I finished. Her final warning was "this is going to take a lot longer than you might guess."

I went into the bathroom and stood in the tub.

The shaver I'd brought has a 1/8" guard. I started with my left leg and quickly realized that the guard was causing more trouble than helping. I took it off and turned the shaver over. That worked best. The hairs started piling up on the bottom of the tub. I finished the front of my leg, thigh to ankle, then realized I needed to reach the back. "How the hell do women do this?" I wondered. It was all guesswork!

I did my best and turned to look in the mirror. I'd got a lot but there were patches of hair here and there. I went back again, more slowly this time, and looked again.

I was/am so fucking pale! And each little freckle and mosquito bite shows up like a black dot on a piece of white paper.

But it felt good. I ran my hand down my leg and noticed it right away. The feeling was so incredibly different from touching my skin before.

I was committed now. With one leg done, there was no stopping. I went at the task, moving slowly upward, doing my chest, paying special attention to the hairs around the nipples (where do those come from??!) and belly button.

When I was finished, I scooped up all of the hair (less than I'd expected) and flushed it down the toilet. (Any guy who's had to snake a drain knows why I didn't just wash it down the tub.)

I went back over everything a second time with the gel and razor, then took a warm shower. The feeling was amazing. Everything was smooth and slick. There were hairs here and there I'd missed, I went back and touched up with the razor. I'm proud to say, I didn't have a single nick. I think the gel worked.

Drying off was a shock. Unlike running a towel over my normal hairy body, which I always felt left a film of water that had to air-dry after the fact, I was actually drying myself off.

I rubbed cream over everything, taking that advice from several websites, and finally returned to the laptpo.

Addie insisted on a picture right away, which I took and sent.

She was immediately excited and I was anxious to get on with showing off my purchases. But, she typed "don't you need to be somewhere?"

I checked the clock. It was nearly 9! It had taken me just under an hour to do the shave! To be fair, there were some plumbing problems, the drains were slow and I was nervous about leaving a mess, but still...

I decided on the spur of the moment that I had to do something bold and exciting, so I put on the lacy camisole and some satin tap pants. It felt naughty and risky ("what if I'm in a car crash???") and, yes, I guess 'sexy'.

Addie congratulated me on my boldness and told me to drive carefully but to get the heck out the door before I was late!

how Friday night went (1 of 5) - getting started

Friday night's session was enjoyable and intense.

Addie showed up in the chat at around 7 o'clock as planned. We talked a bit, casual 'how was your day?' kind of chatter, letting the anticipation build for the rest of the night. I told her I'd been shopping all day and was anxious to model what i'd bought. She said she couldn't wait to see them.

In an earlier email, she told me that she thought I looked "pretty" in pink but she wanted me to try for 'sexy'. I'd written back that someone with my body can't get to 'sexy'. She gave me a pep talk that 'sexy' is more a feeling than a look. As a man, that didn't register fully. I understand that it's good to feel sexy, but we're visual creatures, guys. I was pretty certain I couldn't pull it off.

But, I'd agreed to go along with her idea and I'd shopped for Red. I ended up bringing home four pair of panties, a Victoria's Secret corset. The VS corset bears a mention: it has absolutely no support, no laces, nothing to hold and bind and define. It's a decoration piece for someone with an already-perfect body.

But, it looked sexy, so I bought it anyway.

I bought a dress and a pleated skirt and matching top. Pleats always turned me on for some reason. So, I thought it might work the other way, maybe I'd look and feel sexy in something I knew got me going.

I also bought a burgundy colored pullover, I don't know the formal name for. Chemise? Camisole? I need to do some homework.

I poured a glass of the white wine I'd bought and she did the same on her end. We toasted "to a night of adventure".

I told her there was a poetry reading I wanted to get to at 9p, so we agreed to work that into our night. We outlined the night in four main movements:

1. full body shave and fashion show
2. off to the reading
3. nipple play
4. girls pleasuring girls

I took another sip of wine and a deep breath. Showtime!

hanging with a girlfriend

I've made arrangements for a 'girls night' on Friday with a woman friend online. We'll see how it goes. I will blog about it, maybe as it happens...

second illustrated story nearly complete

I liked the idea of the first illustrated story so much I decided to do a second one. The theme continues to be "Tiffany sends culotte to The Photographer for shoots". This time, he takes her out in public, to a strip club where she dances for a group of drunk rowdies. Nothing horrible happens other than she is humiliated. I like the idea of making these stories. I wonder if anyone's reading them? This is the outfit my character shows up in at The Photographer's hotel room.

And this is the outfit he wears as they head out to the club.

To see the story, click "Illustrated Stories" on the menu bar. And please DO leave comments!

first story with pictures finished!!

For the last 2 weeks, i've been experimenting with photography. This last week, i took several sets of pics of myself in different outfits. I decided it would be fun to craft one into a story, so i did. I wrapped it around fantasies Tiffany and I have discussed, then used photos to dress it up a bit. You can read it by clicking "Illustrated Stories" on the menu bar. Please send any comments, I'm really excited about finishing my first photo essay!

clitty fail

i tried the experiment i mentioned below - tucked and taped myself and vibrated myself. No stroking, no fingers,  just the vibrator. It was very very intense. I kept at it for over an hour. I had two or three of what might have been orgasms but no ejaculation. I'm not sure whether or not I liked it. I'm sure I'm going to try it again.

can it become a clitty?

I'm returning after a week-plus hiatus to take care of some other business. There are two things on the near horizon that I want to try.

The first is shaving. I'm really interested in doing a full-body shave. Both to see what it feels like (the other CDs I'm finding on lushstories tell me it's amazing) and so I'll look better in the pics.

The other thing I'm considering is this: tucking and taping myself then see if I can cum using a vibrator on my head like it was a clit. I've never tried this and in fact, can't really cum unless I'm laying on my back. So masturbating in the shower is pretty much a "no started", as are many other positions.

I'm not committed to any of these yet, still thinking over the implications and the possibilities.

cross dressing and submission

i've been spending a fair amount of time on lushstories.com. i posted my first story and some pics there. there are a lot of awfully pretty cross dressers on the site. that's both exciting and discouraging. it makes me want to get in the gym 7 days a week instead of 3. maybe that's good motivation.

chatting with some of the fellows made me think a lot about why i'm here and why i'm doing this.

what got me started was a submissive fantasy. i've done a lot of chats online (more on that later) and had a lot of fun but that world of submission is still something i think of as a writer, as theatre, as an indulgence, not something i crave as part of my lifestyle.

cross-dressing may be different. it just feels good. i've always like the kinds of tight, shiny clothes i get to wear when i'm doing this. i never gave much thought to the makeup, hair, and clothes part of it, just the underthings. now, seeing some of the more accomplished guys on the site, it's got me walking through the department store thinking "if i dropped about 20 pounds, i would sure look good in that."

this is an interesting phase i'm in!

hard to find partners unless you're a woman

Saturday night, my Goddess Tiffany told me that She would be out and unavailable. Her Instructions to me were to go into a number of chat rooms on the Internet and make myself available for cybersex. When finished, i was to send the chat logs to Her.

At a little after 1 a.m., i launched IRC chat and set my nick to one that reflected a bisexual submissive. i got no hits in the first fifteen minutes or so. i wasn't surprised, if i'd learned anything from the last few sessions, it was that there is not a huge audience for experimental bisexual submissives.

i spent the next half hour or so trying on different outfits and taking pictures of myself in different poses. None of them were satisfactory at all, so I deleted them. i am far from "in shape" and the outfits i chose showed more flaw than feature.

i went back to my computer and checked if anyone had PM'ed me. No nibbles. As i had the other night, i checked /whois for the two men who had used me the first night. Neither of them were online either.

i decided i would do a gender switch.

i thought hard about that before doing it. Not because i had any hesitation, but because the nature of what i was trying was this: can i roleplay a cross-dressing submissive? The first sessions seemed to show i could. i decided that, like so much in the cybersex world, this was another case of supply and demand. If nobody wanted what i was offering, i needed to offer something else.

Would i learn the same things about myself, though? i thought about that a little while longer then decided that, tonight, i really didn't care.

i wanted to get off.

so, i thought about it and invented a new persona. i can't reveal it because then i can't use it again, but part of it said "use me hard". Within minutes, i had three, then two more, then two more.

This was not a surprise, but was revealing. Was it the woman's name or the 'use me' attitude that brought the names? As i started chatting with each of them, i realized that only some of them had any interest in BDSM or D/s at all. i whittled the pool down to two so i could maintain at least some consistency.

The first fellow (NM----) chatted politely. His questions were good and i had to improvise a biography on the fly. "My husband is vanilla and asleep. He knows I do this and is OK with it and loves to read the logs the next morning. But he reads them alone. He won't masturbate in front of me." etc.

We were online for about 15 minutes but it didn't lead to much for either of us. He experimented with a few humiliating scenarions, each of which turned me on, but he never followed through. i wonder now if maybe inventing them was enough for him? i wonder if maybe he didn't think of cyber the same way i do. i'm not sure, but we parted friends.

The second chat was a girl in her 30s and her boyfriend. She told me he was there with her. He wanted to do her while she was having cybersex with a woman. i did my best to describe my touching her, kissing, licking, servicing her as best i could. She responded once in a while. i pictured the two of them going at it and shifted gears to being a toy in their evening's play. It felt good to the submissive side of me, but wasn't very arousing.

Toward the end of that chat, several more came up, plus i called back some of the first crowd.

By 2:30 a.m., i had four new ones on the line.

The first one was from Australia, a man and woman who wanted me to phone them to verify i was a woman. They were looking forward to a 3-4 hour session. At that time of night, i wasn't up for that so we parted.

The second one started out strong but by then, i was really craving some harshness. i tried something new. i stood up and put my clothes back on. He said, weakly, no. i turned and walked to the door, waiting for him to get touch. He ordered me back but again, i just said no. He gave up and i left.

That was also a good learning experience. What did i want? i realized i was goading him into being rough, but was that really the kind of message i wanted to send out to men? When S---- slapped me the other night, i liked it, but when he slapped me again afterwards for no apparent reason, it bothered me not to stand up to him. i'd decided i would not make that error again. But here i was goading a man to throw me down to the bed.

i've had conversations with women over the years about 'rough sex'. They like it, but i don't understand it. i understand humiliation, BDSM, and the like, but 'rough sex' is a category i don't get. And here i was asking for it. He didn't take the bait, so the problem went away.

The third fellow started off strong, in fact he sent me a pic of his junk. About ten minutes in, he keyed 'gtg' and vanished. By now, i am not even wondering about what happened or what is happening, i am getting horny and frustrated.

The fourth fellow didn't last much longer. He said 'I want to use you hard!". i typed: "tell me what you mean by hard? tell me your deepest darkest fantasies, the things you would never ask a woman to do." He never replied.

It's now about 3:30 a.m. and i'm hot and bothered and frustrated.

i decide to try one more thing. There's a channel called 'jackinchat' i'd been lurking in. The chat in there is particular interesting to me, guys asking guys if they want to jerk off. i assumed it was a gay channel, but the more i read it, it was guys like me who wanted to just share stories and get off.

i hooked up quickly with a guy who wanted to tell fantasy stories about wives and girlfriends. it was intense and i was finished - sated and satisfied - in less than 10 minutes.

i may have found a new online home.

transgender and cross-dressing

i spent a few days last week imagining what it would be like to be fully committed to this identity rather than playing with it as an experiment. i surfed the web looking at various transgender and cross-dressing sites. i abandoned myself to the project, even to the point of creating a new "look" for myself in my mind. i'll go into that in a separate post.

In at least one of the sites, someone quoted an "old joke" that goes something like this: "what's the difference between a cross-dresser and a transsexual? About 2 years!" On another site, someone posted that "drag queens are typically straight guys playing a role. At the end of the evening, they take off the makeup and go home to their wives or girlfriends."

So, there appears to be a wide range of opinions about this. Which is a great thing, in my mind. Human sexuality is so complex that simple answers just don't seem possible.

i can say that i can remember enjoying the feel of women's clothing as far back as early adolescence. There is something magical about the way they feel, both from the outside and from the inside. From the outside, the smooth, shimmering look and feel of a pair of nylon panties or stockings is the most amazing thing i can imagine. And, from the inside, the tightness is so satisfying -- the constant reminder all day long that those panties or that leotard is there.

i can get a similar thrill from men's sports compression-type underwear, so maybe this isn't cross-dressing at all?

i considered that, but i also realized it goes a little bit deeper. There's something i find enticing about posing, about hiking up a skirt and revealing a leg. i don't go in much for makeup and wigs, though i could imagine it.

The point of this is that i think it puts the lie to the "about 2 years" joke. i've been flirting around with this world (oh! Freudian slip!) for over 30 years and still have no feeling of gender confusion, of being born into the wrong body, or of wanting to go out in public to see if i could 'pass'.

i just like the way these things feel.

(or, as some of you might be thinking: so far...)

Why This Blog?

Some weeks ago, I was having an online chat when something fascinating happened. A chance remark led me into an ongoing exploration of a side of me I didn't really know was there.

Some background: I write and post a good deal of adult BDSM and D/s fiction. My main theme is humiliation, though the use of restraint and pain has been getting more and more prevalent. I correspond regularly with readers who post comments. I appreciate the feedback. I'm also very interested in human sexuality in its myriad forms, so I like to engage in discussion with those who find my stories appealing.

Over the years, I've engaged in email and chat exchanges with women readers who wrote me telling me how much they enjoyed my stories. I often use those encounters to spark further stories, so it's a 'win' for everyone.

This time was different.

A made an offhand comment to me about housework. It sparked a flash of an image in my mind. I was standing at the kitchen sink, naked except for a small white apron that left my bottom (and most of the rest of me) exposed. Our chat very quickly turned into a session in which she dominated me. In the weeks that followed, we took this roleplay further.

I'm finding it so compelling I felt I would start my own blog to document my exploration from the inside. I've been posting to the "submissive to the circle" blog but those have all been in-character posts. Since this is a very conscious RPG, I wanted a 2nd blog to explore it from both 'inside' and 'outside' the character 'jake' / Jake Lacy.

So here it is. I hope you find it interesting and that you will post comments back to me.